My chest tightening & heart racing, while my stomach turns & grinds. It's a signal of anxiety looming overhead.
I got this a lot in the first six months of Caprice's life. It's a feeling like its going to end at any moment. I might die, she might come down with a mysterious illness, V will be diagnosed with yet another delay & my life will be one domino falling on another.
Yesterday I began feeling one coming & I've come accustomed to it & what steps to take to combat it.
Today I saw on my Instagram feed a pic of a solitary raspberry. The caption, "Warm & sweet. Life is good." I thought, "Yes, we can only live so much in our head, in our dreams, in our far off places until we need the grounding of the concrete, temporal life."
When I don't always feel like nourishing my body, sometimes it's the most important thing to do. I take the girls for a quick trip to Joe's Garden to see if peaches are available.
No peaches, but cherry tomatoes & fresh raspberries dance through the air to carry my sullen soul.
It's why I love food. Not just the taste & sheer joy which comes from fresh off the vine berries. More importantly, that God made this good gift just because he wants to see me delight in it.
It's why I cook, to see my family's face transform to fulfillment & awe over pickled cherries & caramelized onions.
Food reminds us of our humanness. It can be avoided at all costs for fear of it making us fat, or making us sick. It can be hoarded & stuffed, making us gluttons & closing the generous part of hearts to the gift it is.
Central to all of this is our dependency for life upon food. God telling us to abstain at times, in order to see more clearly. All the while intending for us to come back to it to see it with more clarity & focus. Really, to see Him with more focus & clarity--the giver.
These practices of food all center around receiving food as gift from a the best giver of gifts. It is seeing food as a grace, which is why we thank God for giving us such an extravagant feast. It is why we remain mindful & thankful of the soil, the animal, the farmer, the land, us...we all share in this cultivation of grace food.
As we eat our first blueberry, taste fresh cream, or hear the pop of our first batch of jam, let us be ever mindful of the grace we say for such a time as this. Seeing that there is good in the land of the living.