I Use to be a Fun Mom....my plea for input


Honestly, I use to be a fun mom.  Or maybe I was a fun person prior to being a mom.  I know I haven't always been so "business" oriented or serious or cut throat; but, I honestly feel like I have lost that spark.  

Prior to giving birth to V, I worked in childcare with my later years as the directing supervisor over the school age program.  I really built that program and made it into something wonderful.  I revamped the whole summer program with one day every two weeks entitled, "Dress for Mess."  We would orchestrate a full on mess of a competition, me included.  I didn't shy away from getting involved, because that's just what you do.  You play hard and well and yet...

...those kids would go home to their parents and I to my no child home, just Ben.  It was nice.  I got paid to plan events, play, and discipline children.  I got paid to train up staff and teach them as well.  I got paid to tell stories every.single.day.  I LOVED my job!

Then, I became a mom.  It was hard, grueling, and I didn't think I was up for the job.  I felt trapped, alone, scared and fearful for the at least the first four months.  I am pretty sure I had a case of PPD.  It wasn't until V was six months old when I called Ben to tell him I was ready to be a SAHM.  I felt like I missed out on so much of her beginnings that there is still shame & guilt there.  My joy was robbed.

Now, with the six and half month mark of Caprice, I find myself in that same boat.  Not with her, but with my other two.  V will say, "Mama, will you snuggle with me?  You don't get to snuggle as much since Caprice was born."  

I have to cut out right now, because she just woke up.  But, could you tell me how you do it?  How do you enter back in?  How do allow the shame to shed and embrace the right now?  How do you manage keeping up the house and letting it go, in order to take hold of this all too fleeting childhood of your children?