I've been a recent convert of Shauna Niequist. In fact, I secretly plot how we show up at the same coffee shop on a whim, we begin a conversation, and she is thinking, "Wow, this Kamille is a kindred & she's not just a groupie. And she loves to eat, cook & convene at the table."
You have similar thoughts right?
I digress. After reading her story behind writing Bread & Wine, she wrote something which stood out to me. She wanted to write B&W, because it was her. It was a chance to forget all the heartache. Then, she felt a need to write her second book, 'Bittersweet' as a means to honor herself & her readers. That book wasn't all rainbows & puppies. It hit me.
I need this space here. I need to cook & bake to ignite my very sensate self. I need the table to give me tangible amidst the crap.
I write about these real spaces in the physical & spiritual. I believe wholeheartedly in them.
But, I would be disingenuous to sugar coat. Postpartum truly brings out a frightened person in me, and sometimes I forget the gift, forget the taste of ginger, pear & butternut and opt for cold soup on the basement away from my family.
I long to be gentle, patient & fully present to my sweet girls, but sometimes I want to turn on the TV to make them fall away in it.
It's easier to rush a meal standing in my kitchen, instead of taking the time to converse with my four year old.
I want to call up that acquaintance who is lonely & a stranger in town with fear of another strike---and I keep putting it off.
Ultimately, it's not just Shauna Niequist liking me, it's you. It's the person I only know by way of a avatar. It's to be known as something more, or by my ideas, rather than my actions.
But, I feel you deserve to know the real me. I deserve to know the real me. You deserve to know the real you. We deserve to know who it is we currently are, while we strive to become who we want to become.
In that vein, I am in a place where I am tending to myself. Tending to my relationship with God. Walking along roads with jagged rocks, wondering how to be at peace within the storm of V having yet another possible delay added to her list, a baby not gaining weight well & a mama & wife barely coming up to breathe at times.
But, I continue to fight.
Fight for me, my family, my dearest relationships & fight to see a good Father who gives his daughter good gifts. And he is bringing me to the table to find it.