I'm linking up with Sarah Bessey, so head over there to read the reason why...in the meantime, here is my quick ramblings.
Anxiety, fear, unknown spill into my heart, my mind and my stomach turns and aches. I wonder if it will be like this after the baby. Can I go through another labor naturally? Will I get a repeat of water breaking for the third time and be pressed for time? Does God really want to give us grace, those gifts undeserved? Will I enter into postpartum depression like with V and not want to hold my baby?
Fears. Tremblings & shakings come night. I cry to the Lord and ask for the goodness. I let the fears come out, even if they are silly and irrational, my sweet husband prays for peace and my body settles. I read Sarah's words on what is saving her life right now, at this very moment. I can easily hear the words from those who have been given authority over me saying the Sunday School answer, "Well, only Jesus can save your life." Well, yes, but--it's not like I'm six and Jesus is the pat answer. And truthfully, I think Jesus is much bigger than that, you know, since he created the whole world with God & the Spirit. I'm pretty sure the word Jesus is bigger than we allow him to be.
So what is it that's currently saving my life right now? I would like to say it's the season's bounty of summer food. The tastes that can only come alive when you pick a fresh raspberry from the bush, or grilled grass-fed steak seasoned only with coarse sea salt & cracked pepper. I would like to be the mantra mama here telling you it's in the meal preparation where the Spirit who created goodness in the beginning is creating in me as I chop, stir, serve.
I would like to say my saving is in the moments I get away to collect my thoughts to write, or read, as I know they are going to be even more seldom. I would like to say it's in the times my body is working hard at Jogo, being active and reminding me that labor is a work to find joy.
In some ways, it is in these things. It's in the knowing that it's these little things that is saving me. Because what I really need saving from is not running away, or filling these beautiful gifts as my instant gratifications for the long term. What I realize is saving me is the knowing that this moment, right here can never be replaced or reborn. The moment I get to snuggle with my Tay as she will no longer be the baby. The moment I see my V jump head deep into the water without fear of it getting in her eyes. The moment my dear husband lovingly helps our girls create a birthday dinner masterpiece in my honor.
What's saving me right now as I approach a rather large transition. That transition that was birthed inside of me as a grace. That transition that can come today or in weeks. That transition that has a place at our table, a spot on our bed, and my body to keep giving. It is in the reality that the the labors of childbirth come hope & joy unexplainable once I get to hold our little one for the first time.
What's saving me is the hope I have in the gift giver who is giving me, our family this gift. What's saving me through the fear & anxiety is truly a happiness welling up looking forward to sensation of labor, in order that all the walls of trepidation will come falling. I walk like an Israelite in the desert clinging to the hope of a land flowing of milk & honey, to find myself on that seventh day seeing the great fortress crumbling. The fortress of fear will crumble and one of the best days of my life I will greet.