Where I Lay Bare the Real Me on Pregnancy, Labor, & Our Third Child

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My soul has been stripped at times throughout this pregnancy.  There are moments where I see the light of joy & hope and cling to it, hearing U2 in the background,

I waited patiently for the Lord,

He inclined and heard my cry.  

He lifted me up out of the pit,

out of the mire & clay.

And then the song stops.  The hope seems to fade where fear & angst fill.  I sit in the muck & mire, for the most part.  I don't spend time thinking about what this child will be like.  I haven't been filled with that ever expectant joy.  I haven't planned much.  

It's not that I don't want this baby, because I do, I so do.  It's not that I don't view this baby as gift, because I cling to that truth more than anything.  It's that I still haven't fully attached to all of it.  Maybe, if I'm utterly truthful, I haven't really waited patiently for the Lord.  I haven't fully given myself over to the goodness of him helping me.  In fact, if I'm really truthful, I would say that I've been trying to climb out of the pit on my own, only causing myself to give up and wait without asking.

I've been guarding more of my heart this time.  Our short stint of miscarriage to finding out we were pregnant was a whirlwind.  I miscarried in September, had one period, and then got pregnant.  At about 27-30 weeks I hit the point of thought, "well, if the baby is born now, there is great chance of survival."

Friends, I'm going to be 36 weeks tomorrow, and I know this baby will be here.  And still, I have fears.  So, I write this out as me crying out to the Lord, so he would be inclined to hear me.  I write this out, so you would be an encouragement to me, because if there was ever a time I needed it--it's now.  I want to hear the rest of the song, 

I will sing, sing a new song

I will sing, sing a new song

How long, how long

How long, how long

Oh, Lord my God, How Great Thou Art.  

How Great Thou Art.

I want a new song.  A new song that banishes the fear of the baby being breech, or a labor that is unbearable.  I birthed two babies into this world without pain relief, and I know I can do it again.  But, I'm not one of those  mamas who burn the nursing bras and declare the strength of their inards like Xenia the Warrior.  I'm simply a mama who believes in my body being able to go through the pains of childbirth, in order to see my baby on the other side.  I need prayer that I would find shalom here.  

We don't have a name.  When I was pregnant with the girls, we didn't find out the sex, but had names picked out.  I remember praying about names and felt a keen insight to their given names.  I haven't felt or heard any of this for this child.  I need shalom in this.

I'm honestly a bit overwhelmed and scared by the whole thought of going through it all again, that I am having a hard time finding the joy after the storm.  I know I will love this baby, but I am finding a hard time believing it with how much reluctancy I have in welcoming in this precious little one.  I need encouragement & truth.  

I need a new song.

What keeps me is hearing the girls talk about their excitement in meeting the baby.  Their anticipatory joy is what gives me hope.  Their unabandoned faith in knowing they will meet & love the baby is what I long for.  They ask almost daily, "Is the baby coming today?"  

If you would so kindly place a word of encouragement below, or by email.  To be with me in the pit and cry out for me, I would be greatly indebted.  Encouragements in the realm of choosing joy, trusting God's good gifts, enduring childbirth without fear, and falling in love with this priceless gift (because this baby is a gift, an complete unexpected gift)...you would fill my cup.