Prior to giving birth to Caprice, Ben mentioned to me, "Kamille, I think it's good to remember that when you have babies, you can get a little..." I filled in, "mental?" "Well, I wasn't going to use that word. More like worrisome," he replied.
I would say he's right. I forgot how hard postpartum is on me. Although, I know my postpartum with Tay was much better than with V. This time around started pretty well for the first couple weeks. Mothers with three plus children have always said that the two to three child transition was their hardest. The baby isn't so much the hard part. It's the mental taxing on my body. I feel it more physically. I feel it in my shoulder, chest, ears even. I feel it all over. And when I physically feel off, I go into hypersensitive mode and become what professionals term "hypochondriac." This leads to worry and the worst possible thoughts. It robs my joy and I see myself spiraling down deeper and deeper.
All that to say, I spent the weekend with Ben & the babe. My loving in-laws came up early Saturday morning to take the older two off our hands (and enjoy them), in order to give us some rest. I remember them coming up when V was born and I wanted a break from the baby. That zero to one transition slay me. This time, being in a quiet house (though it felt a bit too quiet) with just Ben. Going out for lunch, getting dessert and entering a hail/rain storm in the evening was what our souls needed.
It's like I mentioned in Stress & Eating, how our ability to over eat or not eat while being stressed, dictates engagement in the joy factor. I don't think this is just me--right?! So, yesterday after the girls were gone & Caprice finished nursing, we left the house to eat a late lunch. We went to a new place in town Cheese Meat(s) Beer with a babe asleep. During the meal I turn to Ben & declare, "I will not worry! I'm healthy and I choose to enjoy this day with you. What else should we do today?"
We got dessert to go from Pure Bliss, returning home to watch a movie & hit round 356 on feeding Caprice. Some of the food was wonderful and some not as much; but, what was wonderful about all of this had more to do with conversation with the person I value most in this world. As any parent of a newborn knows, the parental unit relationship dwindles while investing so much of self into the child unit. This morning with babe sleeping and just us eating fried eggs & Americanos at our table, uninterrupted.
Here's the thing, the food could have been more glorious, or culinary artistic. However, my fried egg & Americano tasted sublime at our table. Sharing a meal alone boasting of truffle oil or exotic ingredients doesn't match a pb & j with a beloved soul. This weekend I have known more of myself, more of God, more of a simple meal looking like a feast when surrounded with people who truly love you and want what's best.
In all of it is my ability to say yes and worship in the trenches. It's the process of eating when I should, exercising when I don't feel like it, cleaning when I dread it, which builds character and a heart able to weather the storms of despair with a defiant shout of praise.