A Time to Grieve, A Time to Dance

 

Last Sunday at the end of the church service, the song was this:

You have turned my mourning into dancing 
You have turned my sorrow into joy 
You have turned my mourning into dancing 
You have turned my sorrow into joy

How do you sing a song when you are mourning? I can sing those words knowing that it will come.  I can sing those words knowing in my mind that Jesus truly can & does turn our sorrow into joy.  But right now, my heart is far from those words.  My lips mimic the words, but my voice is far from it.  

Ecclesiastes 3 says, 

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born & a time to die...A time to cry & a time to laugh.  A time to grieve & a time to dance...

 

My heart was starting to see the light.  Not happiness per se, but the joy that comes after the sorrow.  The sun after a bruised sky.  A rainbow after a storm.  The promise I'm given under a new life.  And then there is the grief that will remain.  I don't expect it to simply dissolve over a week & be on with life.  Yet, I'm reminded that life is still happening & creating around me while my womb is empty.  Friend after friend shyly announces that they're womb is seeing life for the first time.  Or for the second, third or fourth time.  

I truly am happy for them.  I'm happy that they get to begin creating a home for this life that has been gifted towards them.  I can honestly say I'm not jealous.  But, my rejoicing isn't quite as verboise as it normally would be.  How do we grieve while others are rejoicing?  How do we avoid being Debbie Downer, when our souls truly are down?  How, when it is our time to grieve & cry, while others laugh & dance?  

 

My soul feels tangled in this web this side of heaven.  I don't know how to make it work.  I don't want my friends to not rejoice around me while they welcome in life.  Yet, I want them to know how my hurt & pain is real even if the loss is unseen by all except me.  How do you explain the blood without showing? How does this work?  I'm wrestling right now.  I'm not wrestling over losing my faith.  I'm wrestling with how these worlds can exist in the same place.  

I think it's because "this" was never the plan.  This grieving & dancing never were meant to coincide.  There was only dancing, laughing, singing.  But we're left with both seasons.  Then, how do we do live Kingdom-like in a non-Kingdom world?  How have you done it?  The barren woman.  The woman who loves fiercely only to be not given chance of loving a child.  How? How do you make sense of it?