As we sat around the table one evening, Ben brought up the question, "So, what do you think about having another kid?" My heart did that murmur wave. You know. Half excited about the possibility of adding more life to our table, our home. And completely nervous about going through all of it again.
My labor with Tay was a bit tramautic for me & the pain factor still hadn't quite left. We weren't taking precautions to NOT get pregnant, but I was taking my morning temperature & charting my body to know when I would ovulate.
I remember talking with God, "You know, I think you might just need to spring it on me. V & Tay were planned, but if it were up to me, I don't know if it will ever get done." What would you know. Two weeks ago, I was thinking it a bit bizarre that my period wasn't quite normal. My waking temps were still high. "Period" was gone & temps still high. Not completely perplexed, but I had this suspicion that I was pregnant.
Just four days before finding out I was pregnant, I was lying in bed at night asking God how women could continue to get pregnant when they've experienced loss. How could they keep going? I cried, "I don't think I could keep going God!? I don't think I could try for another baby when I lost one."
I took a pregancy test & there was this faint line turning it into a cross. I stared at it. I blinked. I rubbed my eyes wondering if it was just me. The only other person home was my two year old, couldn't ask her. I called Ben, "Hi, uh, I think I'm pregnant!" I sent him a picture of the test & he confirmed what I hoped he wouldn't. My heart began sinking...quickly. Those old unwelcome friends took residence. I know them by fear & anxiety. My stomach immediately swelled with nausea & my lungs couldn't breathe. These two intersected lines meant life, meant gift & blessing, but all I saw was turmoil & disaster.
That night I confessed to Ben, "I'm suffocating with fear right now. I don't know how I can do this." It was like post-partum without holding a baby. Why was I not rejoicing? As Ben prayed for me that night, he also prayed for the baby. He prayed, "And Lord, protect our baby." I couldn't help but think, "Jesus, if you want me to miscarry, then I would be okay with that right now."
Fear. Anxiety. Worry. These are lies.
Every morning we read The Jesus Storybook Bible during breakfast. My Tayers always wants me to read "The Terrible Lie." It's about the serpent coming into the garden, this perfect world God created for his children & himself, and how the serpent spewed lies into the heart of Eve. The lie that God doesn't love her. That God doesn't want to see her happy. And everything changed when she took bite of the lie. When she trusted her fear over perfect love. God's love never changed, but her heart got warped (so did Adam).
The story goes that God with tears in his eyes had to send them out of the garden. That most perfect & beautiful & wonderful of places, because they allowed the tears to come in. The broken to come in & he didn't want to see them live forever in such misery. But, he whispers, "I will come to rescue you! And, when I do, I'm going to do battle against the snake. I'll get rid of the sin & the dark & the sadness you let you in. I'm coming back for you!" And he did.
My heart believed the lies of the serpent over the truth spoken of my good, good Father. I believed that his perfect love was so much less than fear. It was the cunning whisper of the serpent saying, "Don't you see that tragedy awaits you. God is just waiting to give you something, only to pluck it out. Maybe you should just give it away. He's not to be trusted."
The serpent seeks to wrap us up in his lies & believe that God doesn't care. He manages to warp our hearts & plague us with constant worry & fear. He even is so successful that we begin to see life as a curse & not a blessing.
People have been surprised that we've told people so "early" in our pregnancy. I'm five weeks. But, it's my way of putting my trust in a perfect Father, saying, "This life is a gift & blessing, and I trust you with this life & me." Right now. I am making a home for my baby. I get to weather the season of Autumn as life begins to fall & Winter blows in hard making all appear limp & lifeless. And just when hope seems all but lost, Spring emerges & new life is beckoned forth by the Almighty. And don't you think it's so fitting that this little life breathes their first breath in that season! Yes, so do I. I choose perfect love over fear everytime.
I recognize that fear & anxiety plague so many women. Please share your story. How you are currently struggling, or how you have found that peace that surpasses?