In a Moment of Utter Vulnerability
There's this blogger conference that I had seen last year online geared for Christian women, who blog (go figure right?!) and want to be intentional in the blogosphere & social media world, and I "kind of" wanted to go..."kind of."
But....I found the Kamille from high school coming out. The girl who wore two hats.
One hat embraced non-conformity, got voted as Miss Unique, said no to MTV and mainstream music, read The Bell Jar (like most teenage girls), only bought clothes at thrift stores and never owned a pair of jeans for the majority of high school.
The other hat embraced being on Student Council, wanted to get voted on the Homecoming Court (but never would have admitted it), sang in choir, enjoyed romantic movies (where the guy falls hopelessly & madly in love with the unexpected girl), and would love to buy a dress brand new from the store.
I was a dichotomy; but, partially a facade as well. I didn't know where I fit. I needed to keep a certain cool about myself. I couldn't show others in my non-conforming world know that I "kind of" wanted that "other" world (fear of letting others know what I really felt). But, interestingly enough, it wasn't about me not being unpopular with my peers that drove the fear.
Present day: I know I'm accepted by Jesus. I know I'm delighted in by the Most High. I know that my confidence lies in the redeeming love of Christ. Yet, I sway from it. I allow the voices to get the best of me. I begin to judge myself, or judge others to keep myself feeling safe & confident in a false identity.
I care more about what others will think of me and less of what God thinks of me.
Here's the problem. I prayed about attending this blogging conference. And not just that, "I flippantly said a prayer" type of praying; but, I honestly sought God about it. It was after a couple weeks, while looking at airfare, hotel accomodations and then, tickets going on sale, I thought, "I'm not going to go." And I was a little relieved.
Because honestly, it just didn't seem like "my thing" (despite the fact that I was still "kind of" interested). I even rationalized it to Ben. But wouldn't you know it...my husband sensed the "kind of" part in me. And guess who was actually happy to hear the words "GO!"
Come October, I'm going to the conference that I was only "kind of" interested in attending (insert snicker & grin), The Relevant Conference.
Something this girl would have never thought possible. Isn't redemption a beautiful thing!