Creating a home. Opening up space and laying down expectations has been weighing heavily upon my soul. Attending IEPs, OT visits, and more digging to see what all my little girl deals with on a daily basis. How to create a home when what you envisioned is different. I avoid reading all the data on delays, because all it does is weigh like an anchor around my neck, pulling me deeper into the sea. I'm called to rest and adore, but it's hard to trust that little baby swaddled up, when I look at my growing baby.
I cannot see the forest through the trees when I see little girls happily playing together, while she sits by herself. When her articulation doesn't match that of her peers, and especially when her little sister is understood more clearly by others. I get caught up when I see her run without her braces and I wonder, "will she ever be able to run with freedom, without an over pronating ankle?" I wonder, "Will she have friends? Will others see how beautiful & kind her heart is, or will they poke fun of her awkward 'isms'?"
There's no other child I would want as my firstborn. She brings such delight & imagination into my life. And although I am fascinated with her, I find myself getting frustrated at times when she isn't measuring up to development standards. I hear it in my voice as it gets grumpy & harsh--grumpy & harsh at her. It's when fear creeps in and the dominos cascade upon another, that my heart pumps wild. I feel like I am without hope. I want to wrangle it all in, and have a controlled environment, and I'm not even a Type A person. It's just that when I was pregnant I never knew that my baby would have delays. Delays that aren't pin pointed to a specific disorder or "clean label."
The meetings, the appointments, the therapy, it is overwhelming. I feel like I'm standing in a house with boxes and belonging strewn everyone, not knowing where to begin the cleaning process. I cannot see the forest through the trees. And sometimes, I ask God, "What is your plan? Why does she have to struggle with these things?" And in the midst of the pain, and clouded eyes, my husband, her daddy speaks with such strong conviction & truth.
He says, "Kamille, I don't see our daughter as broken. When I look at her, I see a little girl who has so much going for her. I see all her strengths. She will become who she will become. Our only job is to speak truth into her strengths. She will be defined by her strengths if we speak it. That's why I'm hesitant about doing genetic testing, because once there is a label...she will see herself as that label. I know she's more than that label." Tears form. His words cut my soul so gently. I often forget that he loves her just as much as I do.
Ben goes on as I wipe my eyes, "Kamille, do you remember what Carol told us?" My heart is crushed. I knew. He continued, "We have to believe that about her. That she is destined for great things. God has a plan for her."
God has a plan for her. Her I am, little mama me, asking God, "Why, why her?," and when I can see the forest through the trees, I hear him say, "Why not her, so that my glory would shine through her? Don't you trust me Kamille? Don't you believe that I'm good? Don't you know that I love her more than you?" So often, I don't. But, when I turn my gaze from micro to macro, I see the rainbow in the sky as a promise. I see my little girl grown up, living up to her name, which means "true image" & "strong & powerful." I see the little girl who was a wee one in my belly, and her middle name would be 'Storey' if she was a girl, because we knew that her story would be strong & powerful. She would get to share that story with others to lead them to finding their story in God's story.
Carol was & is a dear friend who dedicated V at four months old. She told us, "When I was praying for her, asking God what prayer he would have for her, I had a vision. A vision of a young woman in her early 20s with long brown hair on her hands & knees praying for the nations. She was being used in Europe." I don't know if that is part of her story, but I do know that God is good & faithful. I do know that her name was not given in vain, and so far, she has a pretty magnificient story...and it's still being written.