Casimir Pulaski Day & My Firstborn

Music is everything beautiful, sweet & good. I'm listening to Sufjan Steven's 'Casimir Pulaski Day.' This song floods my mind & my heart with some of life's deepest of emotions.

Ben had just bought Steven's album "Come On Feel the Illinoise.". It was late December of 2006 & I was about 38 weeks pregnant with our first child. Not quite knowing then how life altering giving birth would be, then mix in bringing a baby home whom you'd be responsible for it's sustenance (makes for mental instability at times).

This album played non-stop. As I drove in the car, listened to my MP3 player, & when we were at home together. The song talks about a young girl getting cancer of the bone, which is depressing, especially when you're husband points out after our daughter is born, "This song makes me sad, because I think of our daughter dying," (not really what you want to tell a postpartum mama).

But, this song now reminds me of how quickly she's grown up. There have been times when I wished, "if only this could go more quickly!".

I'm reminded of all the fear I felt as a new mama, not knowing how I would make it through her first week, how I was going to get her to latch would I make it through the dark night. I recall days just prior to sunset praying, "God, you're my strength, I believe but help my unbelief," over & over.

I mustered all I could to not cry & think, "I don't love her like Ben does, but I'm her mama."

So as I listen to this song, I think of that scared mama sitting in the bathroom crying. I think of missing out on the beauties of my firstborn's first weeks & how I wish I could take it back.

But more importantly, which is now, I think of my dear, sweet, one of kind dreamer, firstborn daughter who will be three years too soon and how I want to bundle her up to stop her growing. I want to always hold her like I did the first day I met her. I want to cherish her beauty, her intellect, her quirks...everything that makes her the original handiwork the good Lord made.

This is what music does to me. It stirs up strong & powerful images, feelings, emotions, smells, tastes...creating stories for my life's storybook.And I guess that's why her middle name is Storey, which means 'strong & powerful.'