The Genesis of Our Third Child

Transient

I'm a natural optimist with a slight worry, anxiety prone bent.  Doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense.  What has saved me over the years plus is knowing Jesus.  Ever since a small child I've been drawn to his goodness that never fails.  I've instinctively believed in who he said & says he is.  

I keenly remember hearing stories about him with unbelievable faith, like how a young child can leap into the arms of their parent without fear of falling.  

The knowing that there is always hope.  We live in a world which tries to rob us of hope.  Rob us of good gifts & new mercies.  Rob us of the joy that is found in the center of Jesus life he gives us.  I've been robbed of this time and again, where the anxiety, worry, stress seeps in and optimistic joy bleeds out.  Fear takes place and false story after story begin to weave inside.  It is there that so much of my pregnancy with our daughter was at; except...

...I could see a glimmer of hope.  Sometimes it was small gifts wrapped up just for me while I listened to a song.  And other times it was community lifting me up, speaking words of truth & hope.  Even in the times when I could not see the glimmers, God was so good to me, so gracious by not being harsh; rather, gentle, attentive & knowing.  

Many of you know we experienced a miscarriage in September.  I miscarried, had a period, and then I had a feeling that my body was getting ready for a turn of events.  Something I never asked for--simply given.  Sitting with a mentor friend of mine, spilling out my uncertainties about the "what if's" of this pregnancy she peacefully replied, "Kamille, you did nothing wrong with the last baby.  You weren't trying for this baby.  This baby is simply a gift."

"A gift!"  Gift is grace, grace is gift undeserved.  Yes, that gift came pouring out on an early Sunday morning as our little no name girl.  I'll tell you more about it, so come back with some tea or coffee.

How I am Finding the Saving in Seeing her Face for the First Time

I'm linking up with Sarah Bessey, so head over there to read the reason why...in the meantime, here is my quick ramblings.

 

Anxiety, fear, unknown spill into my heart, my mind and my stomach turns and aches.  I wonder if it will be like this after the baby.  Can I go through another labor naturally?  Will I get a repeat of water breaking for the third time and be pressed for time?  Does God really want to give us grace, those gifts undeserved?  Will I enter into postpartum depression like with V and not want to hold my baby?  

Fears.  Tremblings & shakings come night.  I cry to the Lord and ask for the goodness.  I let the fears come out, even if they are silly and irrational, my sweet husband prays for peace and my body settles.  I read Sarah's words on what is saving her life right now, at this very moment.  I can easily hear the words from those who have been given authority over me saying the Sunday School answer, "Well, only Jesus can save your life."  Well, yes, but--it's not like I'm six and Jesus is the pat answer.  And truthfully, I think Jesus is much bigger than that, you know, since he created the whole world with God & the Spirit.  I'm pretty sure the word Jesus is bigger than we allow him to be.

So what is it that's currently saving my life right now?  I would like to say it's the season's bounty of summer food.  The tastes that can only come alive when you pick a fresh raspberry from the bush, or grilled grass-fed steak seasoned only with coarse sea salt & cracked pepper.  I would like to be the mantra mama here telling you it's in the meal preparation where the Spirit who created goodness in the beginning is creating in me as I chop, stir, serve.  

I would like to say my saving is in the moments I get away to collect my thoughts to write, or read, as I know they are going to be even more seldom.  I would like to say it's in the times my body is working hard at Jogo, being active and reminding me that labor is a work to find joy.  

In some ways, it is in these things.  It's in the knowing that it's these little things that is saving me.  Because what I really need saving from is not running away, or filling these beautiful gifts as my instant gratifications for the long term.  What I realize is saving me is the knowing that this moment, right here can never be replaced or reborn.  The moment I get to snuggle with my Tay as she will no longer be the baby.  The moment I see my V jump head deep into the water without fear of it getting in her eyes.  The moment my dear husband lovingly helps our girls create a birthday dinner masterpiece in my honor.  

What's saving me right now as I approach a rather large transition.  That transition that was birthed inside of me as a grace.  That transition that can come today or in weeks.  That transition that has a place at our table, a spot on our bed, and my body to keep giving.  It is in the reality that the the labors of childbirth come hope & joy unexplainable once I get to hold our little one for the first time.  

What's saving me is the hope I have in the gift giver who is giving me, our family this gift.  What's saving me through the fear & anxiety is truly a happiness welling up looking forward to sensation of labor, in order that all the walls of trepidation will come falling.  I walk like an Israelite in the desert clinging to the hope of a land flowing of milk & honey, to find myself on that seventh day seeing the great fortress crumbling.  The fortress of fear will crumble and one of the best days of my life I will greet.  

 

Hiding in Secret Leads to a Solitary Party

Yesterday I awoke.

The summer sun gently began making rounds.  I pulled a shot from the trusty machine and sat, and spilled.  Discouraged, but slightly hopeful.  Slightly hopeful, because when one speaks of distress, hurt, anguish--community comes pouring.  

This is how it has always been, or how it should be.  We don't hold back the goodness inviting us to share with one who is hurt.  We want to be the Samaritan in the story.  We scoff at the priest & the Levite.  We exclaim, "We will not be like them."  

You friends, have been the Samaritan to me.  You friends have been the Jesus I have always loved.  

New mercies await me this morning.  There are jobs to be done, and each day requires new mercies to get through it.  This life we are given is a truly blessed one, but it doesn't quite feel so at times, does it?  Apathy stirs in our heart and we hold it secret.  Do we hold it secret in fear of what others think?  Do we hold it secret in fear of what might come of the trenches when we speak them?  

This morning, I know this.  I am not to keep silent those fears.  We are not to keep silent those fears.  Secrecy leads to an eternal solitary party that even God the party maker cannot join.  When I let those fears be known, it's an invitation to a party that God is throwing for me, for you, for all of us.

You've opened my ears so I can listen.

So I answered, "I'm coming.  I read in your letter what you wrote about me,

And I'm coming to the party you're throwing me."

That's when God's Word entered my life, became part of my very being. (The Message Ps 40)

God wants to throw me a party.  He wants me to delight in his good gifts, because he really is the best gift giver.  

I baked homemade blueberry scones this morning for my family.  Do you know my main motivation?  To see the delight in my girls eyes and intonation in their voice when they come to the table to see the gift.  It fills me.  Yesterday, I came to my knees broken, holding out the secrets of my inards towards God, towards you and the party planning began.  

The good Father smiling and giving a nod.  He breathed his Spirit in you to bring me presents.  And I know he is on the move making preparations for this new season for me and this little one who will be one of my best three gifts I've been priviledged to see to completion.  

Godspeed to you!